I'm Here, So Now What?

It’s the burning question: You graduate kinder, elementary, high school, college, get a job in your field, and the question recycles in each and every single phase of your life: "I'm here, so now what?" It was no different for me leaving my profession as an Educator to attend law school, or after I graduated law school, passed the bar, and left my first legal job as an Assistant Public Defender. I realize that I was stuck in the loop of "so now what?" long before all of that.

It's August 1992, and my sister, who is just 11 months older than me, but we were raised to believe we were twins, gets picked up by the school bus. I can't understand where she went and why I can't go. What am I suppose to do with all these toys, and time? Little did I know, that a year later, she'd be escorting me to my classroom on the first day of school. I'm five and she's six. I'm confused, don't speak the language, have no idea who anyone is, and there I am at the doorway, thinking to myself, in spanish of course, "so now what?" Well, to begin with, my sister dropped me off in the wrong classroom - so I'm sure my teachers were asking themselves the same question when headcount tallied to one more than the roster.

Ever since I can remember, this question has led me into a chase. Whether it was the chase of the next degree, next extracurricular activity, or next job. But this past year, after taking some time for myself, family, friends, a lighter caseload, and therapy (thanks Alexandra Audate & Gail Wilson) I asked myself the same question. This time, the answer was pointing another direction. Instead of chasing something outside of me, it was pointing inward. So I’m here, finally an attorney after manifesting it since I was 5 years old, and now what? ::Insert confused John Trevolta from Pulp Fiction gif:: 

Well now, I reach back and bring others along for the ride! 

This entire project is born from all of the experiences that brought me here, and my wish to not gate keep any of the sacred knowledge entrusted upon me. True liberation comes from knowledge. Now, let me clarify, the knowledge I speak of may come from some of the courses I took in my academic career, but others, and I'd say the most important, come from the interactions with people and places that I am privileged to have encountered throughout my life. 

As a Dominican-Guatemalan woman, I am a living testament to the power of being surrounded, loved, and nurtured by a tribe. None of my many accolades were achieved on my own. This project has been many years in the making, and it was not until I took some time to breathe and refill myself (something I still work on daily) that I truly felt empowered to bring this to life. This space is meant to be just that: a place where you fill your glass from, and then go and fill your tribe. 

I cringe now at the thought that I ever believed I was not worthy to create this space. I cringe that I only realized after a close encounter with burnout, that law school or a license were not needed for me to bring this to life. Yet, every so often the doubt creeps in and I think "what could I possibly teach people?" And then I realize that every time I calm, console, and educate a client going through the criminal justice system about their choices and what is next, I am doing just that - teaching and empowering them. Every time I get in front of the law students I coach, I teach and empower them.

 For me, becoming a lawyer was never about the prestige or worthiness attached to it: it has always been about being at the service of others. As you embark on this journey with me, through education and empowerment, we will not only shine light and work towards tearing down systems that perpetrate darkness in the lives of others, but I will also become the person that my younger self saw and believed I could be. 

So what is my answer to my five-year-old self? Exhale, you're here.